The children were growing and money was tight. We never had a lot to begin with, however once my husband lost his license, it got a LOT harder! We spent extra money on fuel to get him to work and he had a drastic pay reduction when he had to find a new job.
So he had two jobs, one in a shop and the other as a bouncer in a bar a few nights a week. It wasn’t easy, but we made it work. I tried my hand at selling Tupperware (I am NOT a good sales person, but I thought I might try). I also babysat an infant with cerebral palsy for a few months while the parents were busy. Babysitting was lovely, but our location and situation made us unable to create a day home. I was thankful for the chance to babysit. I also started dispatching for a tow company from home. I would work nights and weekends. I could sleep until the phone rang and because I was a light sleeper and up with the kids off and on it wasn’t an inconvenience and the extra income was a huge help!
I became pregnant with out third child and I was so happy. I really had hoped for a large family, I have always wanted seven children of my own. The pregnancy wasn’t as difficult as the previous two. I had forgotten to mention I ended up on bedrest for 2 months with my first pregnancy due to spotting. The second pregnancy I was terribly sick for a long time through out it. So this one seemed much better. Unbeknown to me, it was a blessing from God because of the marital trials to come.
The first trimester, I was a little woozy occasionally, however my husband was really never around. I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. I had finished reading Love Must Be Tough by Dr James Dobson. I didn’t think my husband was cheating on me or anything of that sort, but I set boundaries on Jan 1, 2009 and told him he had to choose whatever it was he was doing or his family.
Feb 1 he moved out. Our oldests birthday was Feb 3 and I was working on getting him to give up his soother. I didn’t even try anymore. His daddy had walked away so I wasn’t going to add any other stress to his little life. I was in my second trimester and praise the Lord, no illness of any kind came upon me!
While my husband was gone he gave us all his pay cheques and asked that he could have just a little of it. He moved into the city with his parents and continued the life he had chosen, whatever it was. Meanwhile I was still babysitting, trying to sell Tupperware, and dispatching and in the midst of it all I grew closer to God than I had my entire life. I read the fictional book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers at the same time as the book of Hosea in the Bible. I prayed constantly for my husband, I put up Scriptures on post-it notes all around my trailer, everywhere my eyes would go; down the hallway, on corners, in the bathroom, on mirrors, in the kitchen, beside doors, everywhere I could think of. I listened to worship music and true Christian artists only, nothing secular. As I reflect on that time, I see I was fasting from things of a worldly nature and spending the majority of my time with my Lord.
During that time God opened my eyes to see my husband as He saw him, a lost and hurting child with a past that caused too much damage that a child should have endured. Elohim also opened my eyes to see how even the small sins that in this world mean nothing, hurt Him so terribly bad that He had sent His Son, Yeshua (aka Jesus the Christ) to die for them so we could have a relationship with Him once more. I felt the pain of rejection, hurt, being lied to, and so much more and KNEW that my God felt the exact same way about me EVERY time I sinned! It was so humbling and I knew if God can forgive me over and over and over infinitely, I had to forgive my husband. If I wanted to grow close to the Creator of all the universe, Elohim, then I NEEDED to be like His Son Yeshua, who is also God. (I will not be getting into theology here, this is my belief and it’s not up for debate.)
So after almost three months of seeing my husband maybe once a week so the kids could see him and I could show him I still loved him even though he walked away, he came to me in confession. He confessed he had been cheating on me, that there was another child with one woman from a year before and he had gotten another woman pregnant recently. He confessed that he had been drunk consistently and doing drugs and parties. He was on his knees before me, full of emotion (which he had never been in our entire time together) and desperately trying to get me to hate him. He talked of leaving me and the kids, giving us all his money every pay cheque and just keeping enough for himself to live, going far away to never be part of our lives again.
When he was done speaking, I was able to say in complete honesty and love, through the power of the Holy Spirit “I forgive you”. It was not just words, it was truth! God had worked in my heart so that I could completely and honestly forgive my husband for everything he had done, just as my Lord forgave me. I also told him that the kids and I were not going anywhere and that we didn’t want him to go anywhere. We love him and if he were to leave we would ALWAYS be waiting for him to return.
My husband learned in that moment, for the first time in his life, what true, agape love actually looked like and meant.
Forgiving him didn’t mean that there was trust and no boundaries. Healing takes years and even after almost 20 years the wounds still emerge occasionally. What the forgiveness meant is that my husband is worth my love, my time, my energy, my hope and he is completely worth staying with EVEN THOUGH he is not perfect and his actions were absolutely horrendous. My husband made mistakes, but he is not a mistake, though he was told that by his mother. God doesn’t make mistakes, He makes joy.
Romans 5:3-8 “Not only so, but we also boast in tribulation, knowing that tribulation produces patience, patience produces character, and character produces hope. And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. While we were yet weak, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. Rarely for a righteous man will one die. Yet perhaps for a good man some would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.