I will start my posts at my beginning, I grew up in a Christian home on a dairy farm. I asked Jesus to be my Saviour at the age of 5 years old. I didn’t know if I was really saved though until I was about 12. That’s when I realized that “it took” and I didn’t have to keep asking. During my younger years we only moved & changed schools once, but that one move changed me completely. I went from being more of an extrovert with self confidence to being bullied, introverted and scared to be real with people. All of my school years were spent trying to be invisible to the world around me. I would always refer to myself as a “wallflower” trying not to be noticed in school. However I also loved being unique so I would do little things for myself to feel like I was set apart from the others. I didn’t want to be known because being real meant being bullied by everyone around me. I thought I was ugly and not good enough for anyone or anything all my life.
Growing up with my family was great. I never thought I wasn’t loved and my parents gave my siblings and me all they could. Growing up in the 80s/90s on a small dairy farm was not a wealthy experience. I never felt like we ever went without, but when I talk to my Mom she tells me how often our cupboards were bare and she couldn’t afford groceries. Living on a dairy though, we always had milk, meat and always huge garden. I grew up freezing vegetables for the winter, so I never felt like we were missing out. My parents never talked about money around us so I felt like everything was fine, until we moved.
In the new school everyone was judged on how they looked, what they possessed, the foods they ate and the clothes they wore. I was a good student and a good athlete, but that was not enough to not be bullied. I was a Christian who was even different as a Christian. My faith in God was so deep right from the beginning that even other believers didn’t seem to like me or understand me. I had two “friends” in my entire 10 years of public school at the new school, neither of them were Christians. I have always called myself the “black sheep” both in the family and outside of it. Not only did I not fit in with school but neither did I fit in with my siblings. Being the oldest of four I have always felt responsible for the care of others. I have always loved kids and caring for them. I was also the oldest cousin on both sides so I would help care for and play with all the littles ones that came along and I loved it.
As I grew older life became very difficult for me. I felt too old to play with the little ones who had each other and was told I was too young to be with the adults. I felt very alone by the age of 13. At 14 I was tired of the bullying, looking back now I see my hormones would have played a huge role in the emotions as well, but I had come to a point where I blurted out before class one day what I had been thinking of for a very long time, I should just go kill myself then. I knew God loved me and I knew my parents loved me, but I was just so tired of all the school garbage that was happening. I had enough and didn’t know what else to do. That outburst led to going to the school counselor, my parents being called in and me feeling humiliated that I had voiced anything. I look back now and know that I wouldn’t have acted on it, but I also know that, being honest, I had thought many times about how and where I could do it. I have always been a planner, knowing that my plans don’t have to happen, but I just need a plan.
Not very long after that Dad & Mom came to us kids with a choice to either grow the dairy or sell it. As a family we voted and the majority vote was to sell. It was really hard on my parents and they left for a short time leaving my grandparents, who lived close to us, in charge. I felt like I was the one in charge though and not them, which is what I really needed at that stage in my life. My grandparents stayed at their own house and my siblings and I stayed at ours. I disagreed with some things that my grandparents said and told them I’d do things myself, so I did. I was up at 4:00 am to milk cows, then went to school, came home and milked again and I also made sure my siblings were cared for as well.
It was exhausting and hard on me physically but I desperately needed it mentally and emotionally. Unfortunately someone decided to call in social services, which really, really angered me. I answered their questions and ended up at the home of a family from church. The break from chores was nice, but the time I did them is what helped straighten me out from suicidal thoughts. I finally felt like I was needed in life and had a purpose and that I could handle many big responsibilities. It was definitely a huge learning experience. The lesson that EVERYONE needs a purpose in life no matter what their age is was of great value to me and has been with me through the years.
Psalm 139:1-3 “O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.”