Final Addition Amid Trials

The same month my husband moved back home, he quit his second job because that is where many of the issues multiplied. Then his best friend died in a vehicle accident on an icy road. It was heartbreaking for him, but it didn’t push him away from me like it could of. He stayed close to me and to the kids and made the effort to begin the repairs on what had been broken.

As the days, weeks and months went on, so did my pregnancy and our marriage. We went to marriage counselling regularly which helped with communication some but mostly it was the effort made by him to make the changes necessary to keep his family that kept me believing in him and trusting God that he could and would change.

About 2 months before our youngest was due, my husband lost his job. I was still dispatching but my due date was getting close and I knew I couldn’t keep doing it with a newborn very well. My husband went on unemployment and it took time before we got any payments to pay the bills. I don’t know how exactly but God got us through but He always comes through.

I had wonderful parents and grandparents who would often bring out their “extra” groceries from the garden or canning shelves, plus a few things they’d pick up for us on their way out to see us. I remember searching vehicles and couches to find enough change to buy a jug of milk. We were BROKE! BUT we weren’t poor. We had God and we had family.

In the midst of unemployment I gave birth to our third child, a little boy. Things started off fairly well for the first couple weeks but by week three he was having issues. His stools were a fluorescent green and I was told it was “normal”! I was frustrated. By 6 weeks old, at our first doctor’s appointment, I explained about his stools and about how he was becoming more and more fussy. All I was told is it was normal. I knew it wasn’t but couldn’t get anyone to listen to me. So I started researching for myself and we had to put him on formula.

In the midst of this plus unemployment, we managed to make it through it all by God’s provision. My husband was then hired on by my parents company. We didn’t want any hand outs, but we knew we had to accept help because there was just no way we could do it on our own. He was very capable to do the jobs required of him and they forgave him as well and were able to work with him to help him be better for himself and his family.

The job with my parents paid enough to be able to get my husband what we called a “blow box” in his truck. He would have to blow in it to be able to start the truck. If he had any alcohol on his breath, it wouldn’t start. It wasn’t a cheap thing to have but it saved me traveling twice a day with three kids 3 and under to get him to work, so we were very, very grateful for it.

Philippians 4:19 “And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

The Big Hit

The children were growing and money was tight. We never had a lot to begin with, however once my husband lost his license, it got a LOT harder! We spent extra money on fuel to get him to work and he had a drastic pay reduction when he had to find a new job.

So he had two jobs, one in a shop and the other as a bouncer in a bar a few nights a week. It wasn’t easy, but we made it work. I tried my hand at selling Tupperware (I am NOT a good sales person, but I thought I might try). I also babysat an infant with cerebral palsy for a few months while the parents were busy. Babysitting was lovely, but our location and situation made us unable to create a day home. I was thankful for the chance to babysit. I also started dispatching for a tow company from home. I would work nights and weekends. I could sleep until the phone rang and because I was a light sleeper and up with the kids off and on it wasn’t an inconvenience and the extra income was a huge help!

I became pregnant with out third child and I was so happy. I really had hoped for a large family, I have always wanted seven children of my own. The pregnancy wasn’t as difficult as the previous two. I had forgotten to mention I ended up on bedrest for 2 months with my first pregnancy due to spotting. The second pregnancy I was terribly sick for a long time through out it. So this one seemed much better. Unbeknown to me, it was a blessing from God because of the marital trials to come.

The first trimester, I was a little woozy occasionally, however my husband was really never around. I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. I had finished reading Love Must Be Tough by Dr James Dobson. I didn’t think my husband was cheating on me or anything of that sort, but I set boundaries on Jan 1, 2009 and told him he had to choose whatever it was he was doing or his family.

Feb 1 he moved out. Our oldests birthday was Feb 3 and I was working on getting him to give up his soother. I didn’t even try anymore. His daddy had walked away so I wasn’t going to add any other stress to his little life. I was in my second trimester and praise the Lord, no illness of any kind came upon me!

While my husband was gone he gave us all his pay cheques and asked that he could have just a little of it. He moved into the city with his parents and continued the life he had chosen, whatever it was. Meanwhile I was still babysitting, trying to sell Tupperware, and dispatching and in the midst of it all I grew closer to God than I had my entire life. I read the fictional book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers at the same time as the book of Hosea in the Bible. I prayed constantly for my husband, I put up Scriptures on post-it notes all around my trailer, everywhere my eyes would go; down the hallway, on corners, in the bathroom, on mirrors, in the kitchen, beside doors, everywhere I could think of. I listened to worship music and true Christian artists only, nothing secular. As I reflect on that time, I see I was fasting from things of a worldly nature and spending the majority of my time with my Lord.

During that time God opened my eyes to see my husband as He saw him, a lost and hurting child with a past that caused too much damage that a child should have endured. Elohim also opened my eyes to see how even the small sins that in this world mean nothing, hurt Him so terribly bad that He had sent His Son, Yeshua (aka Jesus the Christ) to die for them so we could have a relationship with Him once more. I felt the pain of rejection, hurt, being lied to, and so much more and KNEW that my God felt the exact same way about me EVERY time I sinned! It was so humbling and I knew if God can forgive me over and over and over infinitely, I had to forgive my husband. If I wanted to grow close to the Creator of all the universe, Elohim, then I NEEDED to be like His Son Yeshua, who is also God. (I will not be getting into theology here, this is my belief and it’s not up for debate.)

So after almost three months of seeing my husband maybe once a week so the kids could see him and I could show him I still loved him even though he walked away, he came to me in confession. He confessed he had been cheating on me, that there was another child with one woman from a year before and he had gotten another woman pregnant recently. He confessed that he had been drunk consistently and doing drugs and parties. He was on his knees before me, full of emotion (which he had never been in our entire time together) and desperately trying to get me to hate him. He talked of leaving me and the kids, giving us all his money every pay cheque and just keeping enough for himself to live, going far away to never be part of our lives again.

When he was done speaking, I was able to say in complete honesty and love, through the power of the Holy Spirit “I forgive you”. It was not just words, it was truth! God had worked in my heart so that I could completely and honestly forgive my husband for everything he had done, just as my Lord forgave me. I also told him that the kids and I were not going anywhere and that we didn’t want him to go anywhere. We love him and if he were to leave we would ALWAYS be waiting for him to return.

My husband learned in that moment, for the first time in his life, what true, agape love actually looked like and meant.

Forgiving him didn’t mean that there was trust and no boundaries. Healing takes years and even after almost 20 years the wounds still emerge occasionally. What the forgiveness meant is that my husband is worth my love, my time, my energy, my hope and he is completely worth staying with EVEN THOUGH he is not perfect and his actions were absolutely horrendous. My husband made mistakes, but he is not a mistake, though he was told that by his mother. God doesn’t make mistakes, He makes joy.

Romans 5:3-8 “Not only so, but we also boast in tribulation, knowing that tribulation produces patience, patience produces character, and character produces hope. And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. While we were yet weak, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. Rarely for a righteous man will one die. Yet perhaps for a good man some would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Early Memories

Though the marriage was difficult, I still loved being married and being a mom. My babies were so precious to me! I loved watching them grow and experience life. Some of those experiences included:

Our son had caught a mouse outside by hand and was swinging it around by the tail. He had hit it on things apparently which had killed it. Then he started playing with it as he would his toy cars on his car ramp. Needless to say once I saw what it was he had, I, um, well, kind of, freaked out! Oh just a little, but mostly internally. I didn’t want to alarm him at about 2 years old, HOWEVER … We got some good sanitizing in for everything involved in his play that day!

He also loved to play with his numerous small cars outside. He would make dirt trails to drive them on. One year we had a lot of slugs in our tiny garden. He decided to “help” get rid of the slugs. Each slug had a little vehicle and he drove them around, until it was time to get rid of them.

Our daughter loved to be outside as well. She would take her dolls outside and play with them there more often than inside all summer long. We had 2 apple trees and a plum tree that were MARVELOUS and they could snack on all they wanted come late summer & autumn. That may be a large part of why they were outside so long and often 🙂 Plus it was much better than our tiny trailer.

Our boy would also drive our daughter around on the tricycle with a seat. She was happy to sit and he was happy to peddle. We were blessed with a very large yard with almost completely fenced in.

Our boy did give us a scare one spring though. Before I had completed the fence he managed to sneak off. I called and searched everywhere! In the house, the yard, the out buildings and there was no answer. There was a small pond like area due to all the snow and spring rain run off. I got very scared he ended up there. I still had our small daughter to care for and couldn’t leave her to look far. The neighbors helped at we ended up calling the police because this was going on for hours.

Not long after the first officer came, our son came out. I was delighted and frustrated! I asked where he was and he said he was hiding in his room. I had checked his room quite thoroughly, I still have no idea where exactly he was, but I was and am so thankful he was alright and it was before a lot more officers had come out!

Oh the things children do can be so entertaining, but the other things can be terrifying! I am so thankful that God is good, all the time.

Psalm 127:3 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.”

Learning from Babies

When our son was under 5 years old he didn’t seem to feel the need to wear a lot of clothes or have the same deep pressure wrapping as he did when he was an infant. However when he would get overwhelmed and upset he would hit various things not only with his hands but he would hit his head on the floor over and over. I would move him to a safe place so he wouldn’t hurt himself and he would continue. With more hindsight I see he needed the pressure and stimulation and I can’t help but wonder if I would have provided a weighted blanket or “burrito wrapping” from such a young age if it would have prevented this behaviour.

This little boy was also so incredibly honest right from when he could talk. One incident I’ll never forget: His sister was in her swing in the living room, because she always needed movement, and I was a room right next to them. All of a sudden she started screaming and I ran in and asked him (who was bout 18 months, and she was about 4 months) why was she crying. All he said was “I bit her.” And he had, there were the marks. I was shocked at how honest he was and a little baffled at how to handle the situation. I wanted to reward the honesty and still punish the behaviour so he understood it was wrong. How do I do that for an 18 month? I don’t know but that is when he started being told, “Thank you for being honest. It is very important to be honest and you will get in less trouble when your honest than when you lie.” That was said many times through the years. I don’t remember what the punishment was other than a possible talking to because, though I had worked with children most of my life, I have never encountered this at such a young age so I was unprepared.

The kids continued to grow and bloom in their own personalities. My marriage was still very challenging most of the time. There was very poor communication and my husband felt attacked whenever I contradicted him on things and he hated when I would try to talk with him about deep, important things. That’s when he would shut down completely.

At this time in my life I also started losing loved ones. I say started because it was a very long and ongoing stretch. It wasn’t only family but also friends so close they were considered family. Many different situations occurred to cause their deaths and each one was difficult in their own ways.

There will be an entire post dedicated to what we went through in that aspect another time.

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.”